My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Good news
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?