Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
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Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.