Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
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I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Great Canadian literature.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.