[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes