“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.