If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what