my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?