Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember