Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.