I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
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the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.