The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here