*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”