Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.