[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Well, this explains it:
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich