Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes