Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You Might Also Like
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My typo game is string.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.