Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
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People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”