One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
(yawn)
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
#Caturday
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.