When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Doggies just call it style.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My time has come.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.