For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy