Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
You Might Also Like
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
when you order from DoorDastardly
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.