given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
This could’ve been an email.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail