Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
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Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”