YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
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I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
The dark side of Canada
May have had one breakfast too many
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[shakes fist at other fist]