[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop