ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Worst perfume name ever.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue