I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old