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[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.