me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
i love meeting boys on tinder
Gods work.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha