Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
is it earth
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.