Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
The Birdles
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro