My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭