[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.