Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
The Punning Dead.
Where is your GOD now????
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Me too
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”