When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree