I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?