Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.