Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
how to have an accident 101
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.