You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Skills
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer