It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
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Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus