ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
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Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Just a reminder, folks:
my dad has had enough
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?