Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*