Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
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Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
This is my brand.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
😂💯
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?