What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer