whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.