The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.