Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.