I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
respect
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always