The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
You Might Also Like
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”