My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
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6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!